VI,

Lately i've been thinking about who i want to love, and how i want to love, and why i want to love the way i want to love, and what i need to learn to love that way, and who i need to become to become the kind of love i want to be... and when i break it all down, when i whittle it into a single breath, it essentially comes out like this:

Before i die, i want to be somebody's favourite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain i will keep it safe. I will keep it safe.

There are some people i know who love unconditionally, who always put others before them, who are so pure at heart even the meanest of people wouldn't bear to hurt them; i envy these people. I'm not saying that i want to be happy forever and just be some happy-go-lucky person because that's impossible. What i'm saying is that i want to be seen as a person who cares more about other people than myself, but at the same time, still manage to protect myself from being taken advantage of.

All along in my life, i can safely say that i've been quite a generous friend. Even when i'm low on cash, i'll still treat my friends occasionally and buy them things i know will them happy. Even when i'm feeling really down myself, i'll put those feelings aside and make sure the people around me are okay. I realised that it's difficult to find a balance between being nice and being too soft-hearted. It's like i can only be either super nice, yet risking myself being taken advantage of, or coming off as a cold person, and making sure that i won't let people hurt me easily.

You know how sometimes, so many people you care/cared about betray your trust and you just feel really tired of being nice to people because you have no idea who deserves it? Yea, i feel that all the time and i'm trying so hard to overcome it so that i can be nice to everyone and anyone, so that i can love unconditionally. I mean, it's not compulsory for me to do this but it's something that will help me become the person i want to become, it's something that will make me better. And isn't that what life's about? To never stop striving to become better?

I've said it a million times before that i'm an extremely negative person. However, honestly, throughout all these blog posts, (they're like mini reflections for me, y'know?) i'm becoming better, i'm becoming more positive. Certain things which used to affect me a whole lot, doesn't even hurt me a single bit now. Yes, there are still certain things, people to be exact, who still makes me sad sometimes but i'm getting there, i know i am. I'm trying so hard to let go of things which once mean the world to me, because i know that if i don't, i'll never, ever get to see what's coming next.

I hope you're all having a wonderful week; life is good, life is great.